"Ask, and it will be given to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
I don't know about you, but I find parenting a big kid to be harder. The two year old stuff was easier - it was all, "no-no, don't touch." Now I'm thinking about her character. We are working on being polite and thoughtful - Kara has to ask me every time we pull into the garage if there's something she can help me carry into the house. And yesterday we started working on how to hold doors for other people. My goal as a parent, so far, is to be sure to raise Kara NOT to be entitled. You know what I mean - walking around thinking everyone owes you something - it bleeds into all areas of life and it just yucky. Not to mention she'll never be happy and it is not the way God wants us to be.
Now I worry about her plain old personality. I worried (even before we home schooled) that she would be too quiet, meek, that she would have my anxiety, that she would miss out on too much fun in life because she was so much like me - as a kid (my personality changed around age 19, I'll tell you about it sometime, but I'm so much more extroverted now) - and so much like Michael. I wanted her to be like I am now - more extroverted - happy to experience new things, new people, and more outgoing. I thought she was headed that way for a while, but I started seeing maybe she isn't. AND I am seeing that she has my anxiety - something I am VERY upset about, but we can talk about that another time too. I do not blame home school, like most people would like to do, I blame genetics. She is simply like both her parents were during their childhoods, including my anxiety, which started when I was about her age. :'-(
But, I worried, is being so quiet and introverted something I should force out of her? The last few months I've been fretting and praying and trying to figure out what to do. I've been talking to other Christians asking what they think about introverted kids/people (how can we reach others for Christ when we don't like talking to them?!). My one friend summed it up for me - she has nieces and nephews who are both loud and quiet. She said the nieces and nephews who are louder are more ready to give her hugs and share their lives with her and are super fun. But she said her nieces who are very quiet are equally sweet, they just take longer to get to know. She said the louder kids are becoming a little more trouble as teenagers (not that this always happens), and the quieter girls are responsible teenagers who have jobs already (not that this always happens, either).
Through all of this, I really feel God is telling me He made Kara this way and to focus on all the good sides to this. Other people will not be able to know her as well as Michael and I do, unless they spend a really good amount of time with her, like my parents and my friends. Michael was an introvert as a child and is still and introvert and he is happy and successful and a great Christian man. This is doable, and I'm happy for Kara that she has two parents who understand her. I just know that some things are going to be harder for her than they are for other kids. As a mom, I wish everything was easy for her - I don't want her to experience pain - but I also understand that pain and difficulty is how she will grow. I pray she becomes the woman God wants her to be, even if it's an introvert. :-)
Now I worry about her plain old personality. I worried (even before we home schooled) that she would be too quiet, meek, that she would have my anxiety, that she would miss out on too much fun in life because she was so much like me - as a kid (my personality changed around age 19, I'll tell you about it sometime, but I'm so much more extroverted now) - and so much like Michael. I wanted her to be like I am now - more extroverted - happy to experience new things, new people, and more outgoing. I thought she was headed that way for a while, but I started seeing maybe she isn't. AND I am seeing that she has my anxiety - something I am VERY upset about, but we can talk about that another time too. I do not blame home school, like most people would like to do, I blame genetics. She is simply like both her parents were during their childhoods, including my anxiety, which started when I was about her age. :'-(
But, I worried, is being so quiet and introverted something I should force out of her? The last few months I've been fretting and praying and trying to figure out what to do. I've been talking to other Christians asking what they think about introverted kids/people (how can we reach others for Christ when we don't like talking to them?!). My one friend summed it up for me - she has nieces and nephews who are both loud and quiet. She said the nieces and nephews who are louder are more ready to give her hugs and share their lives with her and are super fun. But she said her nieces who are very quiet are equally sweet, they just take longer to get to know. She said the louder kids are becoming a little more trouble as teenagers (not that this always happens), and the quieter girls are responsible teenagers who have jobs already (not that this always happens, either).
Through all of this, I really feel God is telling me He made Kara this way and to focus on all the good sides to this. Other people will not be able to know her as well as Michael and I do, unless they spend a really good amount of time with her, like my parents and my friends. Michael was an introvert as a child and is still and introvert and he is happy and successful and a great Christian man. This is doable, and I'm happy for Kara that she has two parents who understand her. I just know that some things are going to be harder for her than they are for other kids. As a mom, I wish everything was easy for her - I don't want her to experience pain - but I also understand that pain and difficulty is how she will grow. I pray she becomes the woman God wants her to be, even if it's an introvert. :-)
Comments
I don't think life is any easier for an extrovert. Try not to think of one personality as better than the other. They are equal. You may not have been a very happy introvert, but I don't think you were unhappy because you were an introvert. Something else made you unhappy - your anxiety or something else entirely. I know plenty of happy introverts and plenty of unhappy, anxiety-stricken extroverts. Kara can be happy as both an introvert or an extrovert - as long as she feels you love her exactly the way God made her. Remember, your job isn't to fix her or to make her life perfect. Your job is to raise her the best you can and give her the tools she will need to make herself happy - your love, your support, guidance, coping skills, etc.
And do not blame yourself for her anxiety - first, it is not your fault; and second, it doesn't help. If she's suffering from anxiety, help her cope with it and get through it. And get her professional help if she needs it - but don't blame yourself. And even if Kara is exactly like you and Michael - would that be so bad? You are both amazing people, amazing parents, and amazing role models. Show her that even if she does suffer from anxiety or some other affliction, that she can work through it and be happy - like you.
And you do not have to be an extrovert to be a good Christian. "Reaching others for Christ" doesn't necessarily mean knocking on stranger's doors or talking to everyone you meet at the bank. Trust that God has a plan for Kara, just the way she is (without you trying to force something out of her). He knows how He wants to use her and He created her to fulfill His mission. It is not going to be the same way He used you, because you are you and Kara is Kara. His plan for Kara could be the exact opposite, but you must trust that she will listen to Him and follow her own path. She will "reach" who she was meant to reach, in her own way.
I don't mean to overstep my boundaries and I really hope you don't find this post offensive. It can be hard to come off sincere in a response, but I mean everything I say in a good way and I am not judging you or critiquing you at all. I think you are an amazing mother and Kara will be an amazing woman. I know you trust God, but you need to trust yourself too. God chose you to be Kara's mother for a reason - He knew all your faults and he still chose you. Trust His decision and believe in yourself.
I think it all comes down to home school. I KNOW it's what we've been called to do, but for every person who supports me or is even neutral, there are 5 to 10 people who are against it....vocally. I've never taken such a leap of faith in my life, and all the flack is getting to me.
I guess this post is about me realizing Kara is shy and quiet and has anxiety because she's Kara, not because she's home schooled.
Oh, and I didn't mean to say I wasn't happy as an introvert - I was happy - but things were harder for me than they are now that I'm extroverted. :-)
Thank you again Kattrina. I'm going to save this post in my file marked "inspirational" and pull it out on bad days!
Alex was always - and still is - very sociable. As a child he would talk to anybody, try anything, etc. So that's what I knew. When I had Kayla....BOY was she different! Painfully shy to the point of being, what I felt like, was rude. How did this happen? I didn't do anything different with her than I did with him! She was just not like him. AT ALL!
It took years, but she has overcome it! And it wasn't anything that I did. I mean, we still taught her manners and I tried to explain that it's rude not to speak to someone who is speaking to you, etc, but she just "came out of it" when she was ready. Teachers that she had in the beginning, can't believe the young lady she has become and she has amazed me with the things she has decided to take on. Things I never thought she would. (Even some things that I wouldn't have done at this age. Like going to California with FBLA. None of her friends were on that trip. But she wanted to go and took advantage of it. I have to say, I may not have done that unless at least I had ONE friend going.) The bottom line is, all we can do is pray about it and trust God. You're doing a great job! (By the way...Dylan? He's completely different than the other two. It amazes me every day how that happens!)
I wonder what would have happened if I was homeschooled, but I'm not Kara. I just will always make sure that our homeschool life is never staying home, just the 2 of us, all the time.
Our lives so far have always included seeing friends multiple times a week, and sending Kara to horse riding lessons, pottery classes, etc. where she's alone with other teachers (not me) and her confidence is constantly being strengthened.
I need to get over it. I need to KNOW that this is Kara, not a result of home schooling. And anyone who thinks otherwise is just wrong. I am not wrong. It's not my fault. I didn't ruin her.
We co-sleep with Evan and people give me grief about it all.the.time. So what. I just look them in the eyes, thank them for their input, and say that I am happy with my decision.
Home-schooling Kara will not ruin her life or make her weird and unsociable. Yes, I know plenty of home-schooled kids who are odd - but I know plenty of kids in public school who are odd too.
Don't let the haters get to you. Maybe the anti-home-schoolers are just more vocal, so you hear them more often. Either way - no one knows what's best for you and your family except for you and your family.
Trust your decision.